Humans are made for connection. 

Humans are bonding mammals. Bonding is our “superpower.” Our ability to cooperate and connect deeply and intimately doesn’t just feel good. It is a survival strategy that strengthens and equips us to cope in a difficult, dangerous world. That is attachment science in a nutshell. Humans connect in many settings, everywhere from sports teams to street gangs, but the key, most functional connection is in love, such as marriage, the primary human bond. When we know that we can rely on and trust our key other to support us and protect us and truly care (and vice versa), we are stronger, more resilient, more productive, more creative; we are our best self. 

So, love is about more than physical attraction, sex or similarity. Love is safety. Love is being accessible and responsive and engaged with a partner who is all of that to us. Indeed, every couple’s welfare revolves around one question that we ask and answer many times a day (although never in these words): “Are you there for me?” 

Are you there for me? Do I matter? Am I important to you? Can I depend on you, trust you? Will you open up to me? When the answer to these questions is yes, we create safety and comfort and love grows. So, love is about safe connection.

Disconnection is traumatic.

As much as we crave connection, no relationship is ever fully “safe.” We miss and mix our messages. We let one another down…often without intending to or maybe even knowing it. And fears arise, fears that our partner is not there for us, that we may be alone, rejected, isolated and that is painful, and even traumatic, emotionally speaking. So, the essence of conflict in relationships is disconnection and the distress it instills. 

We all have ways to manage that distress and try to reconnect. We learned them  long before we ever met our partner. Some of us turn our energy up and become aggressive or critical. We might berate or interrogate. We might give advice or get sarcastic. We try to “get through” and restore our bond in any number of ways. Others might turn their energy down, pull away, sulk, “stonewall,” just try to keep the peace and avoid losing our connection. 

And couples create “cycles” where the more one pursues, the more the other withdraws and vice versa and on and on it goes. It often feels hopeless to change it. This is where couples often throw in the towel.

In that place, neither partner feels safe. Each appears dangerous to the other, emotionally speaking. But, whether pursuing or pulling away, both are trying to make it better, yet only making it worse. That is conflict in attachment terms.

The solution isn’t learning to negotiate or make the relationship more fair. It’s about interrupting our cycles and understanding that the very things we do to address it often only make it worse.

Finding the Way Back

Once couples understand their conflict more clearly, they start to see beneath the surface of their arguments. They’re not just arguing about kids or money or sex. Deeper fears and needs are at play. Couples can then have conversations for connection, deeper conversations that don’t become confrontations. They can reassure one another and connect more deeply. They can say and hear clearly, “I AM there for you. I’m accessible and responsive and engaged. You are safe with me.” 

That’s what we do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. We learn what attachment has taught us. We learn that humans are made for connection, that disconnection is traumatic and we learn to find our way back to that safe place with our partner that we all want, that we all need to be and do well.

But, don’t take my word for it. Find out for yourself. Our next Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat is right around the corner.

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