We All Need Predictability

If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context. 

Relationships Need Stability

I’m a couples therapist and I see the same thing in relationships. Unpredictability not only shakes up markets. It shakes up marriages. It undermines key relationships. When we don’t know what to expect with our partner (or we DO know what to expect and it isn’t good), we struggle. Indeed, in attachment science terms, that is one way to define conflict. Conflict is unpredictability, uncertainty with our attachment figure, our partner, our spouse, the one we want and need most to count on and be there for us. 

It Happens to us All

Does that ever happen in your relationship? (Be honest because it happens to all couples from time to time.) We want and need connection with our loved one. Connection is stability…predictability in relationships. The key question for any couple is “Are you there for me?” When the answer is yes, we feel safe and close. We relax; indeed, we thrive. But, sometimes, we’re not sure. We say or hear something the wrong way. Our partner confuses us or lets us down somehow. Whether it’s accidental, incidental or even intentional, when we feel unheard, unseen, unimportant, unwanted in some form or fashion, our relationship doesn’t feel so safe. Instead, it feels unpredictable. And that is a problem. As we said, relationships don’t like unpredictability.

Good Intentions but Bad Results

So, we react—in pretty predictable ways. We might “pursue” our partner, try to reconnect, make our case, get answers or just get through to them. We might become angry or critical or suspicious and hurtful, as if we hate our partner. Or, we might pull away. We might clam up to avoid a fight and keep things from getting even worse, which only looks to our partner like we don’t care or have no feelings. And often, while one partner pursues, the other pulls away and it becomes a feedback loop (what we therapists call a “cycle”) that seems just to go on and on. 

In the heat of the moment, that cycle seems crazy, chaotic. It’s a good intentions/bad results situation. How is it that we hurt most the one we love and want more than anyone else? It seems irrational—insane. Our relationship becomes totally unpredictable—very much like a roller coaster ride. And that cannot go on forever; if we don’t interrupt that cycle, it will eventually destroy the relationship. But, here’s the good news: we CAN interrupt that cycle. We can make sense of it. We can bring some comfort to the chaos and get off the roller coaster.

Hold Me Tight®️ Can Change It

And that’s what we do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. We help couples make sense of their cycle. We help them create some predictability and go from confrontations to conversations, conversations that help and even heal. We help couple reconnect in ways that make their relationship predictable and safe again. 

Hold Me Tight®️ is a low key group experience where couples learn how alike they are and often make huge strides in the span of just two days. Think about being one of those couples. You’re closer to it than you think. No telling how long the stock market will take to settle down, but if your relationship is unpredictable, help is right around the corner!

We have workshops coming up, literally at home and abroad. This year, we’ll be in Tuscany, Italy; Boone, NC and of course, Orlando. All the details are on this website. Space is limited so sign up soon! 



Have a Safety Plan

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)

Help Is Nearby

By Mark Beck • January 17, 2025
I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.

Comfort Isn't Always Comfortable

By Mark Beck • January 10, 2025
Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great way to ring in the new year

Happy New Year

By Mark Beck • January 2, 2025
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution

When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024
Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .

In Person Or Online?

By Mark Beck • December 2, 2024
Vicki and I will start something new in March of 2025. We have been leading in person Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats at least four times a year for six years now. No two are the same; we always see amazing results and we get more than we give every time. And, in addition to our in person workshops, we’ll also begin offering online Hold Me Tight®️ workshops next year. In person and online workshops are definitely different. Each format has its own advantages. So, what’s different about the two and what is the same and which might be best for you? I’m glad you asked.

What About Love Languages?

By Mark Beck • November 19, 2024
Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” is one of the most popular and prolific couples self-help books in history. Since its initial release in 1992, through several revisions, it has sold over 20 million copies. That’s one popular book! Perhaps you’ve read it. If not, it’s worth your time. Chapman basically contends that romantic love shows up in five ways. He calls them “languages.” In no particular order, they are: personal touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and giving gifts. The idea is that all of us have a top one or two love languages and that couples can and should know, not only their own love language, but more so, their partner’s. And the more you and your partner speak one another’s language, the more love you’ll both share.
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