Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshops
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In Life (and Love), Perspective is Everything
Solution Focused Therapy has taught me two rules for living that, as best I can tell, always hold true. I’ve never found an exception. They are simple, but powerful. First: you see what you look for in life. Be it people you know or problems you face, how you perceive that person, that relationship, that challenge, that crisis, makes all the difference. If you look for positive in a person or situation (strength, value, beauty, worth) you will see it. You will find it. On the other hand, if you look for negative (malice, treachery, danger, disappointment) you will find that. And the second rule for living is tied inextricably to the first. Not only do you see that you look for; what you focus on, you magnify. That is, whatever you choose to see in a person or situation tends to be all that you see. And that perception will minimize and even blind you to anything opposite. If you believe a person is good and loving, you’ll be hard pressed to find negative in them. (And even if you do, it will have little weight. You’ll see it as an exception, not the rule.) Likewise, if you see that person negatively, that will likely be all you see and you’ll be hard pressed to change your mind.
This is a natural human tendency. You see what you look for and what you focus on, you magnify. And, like most traits, these two rules can benefit you, but they can also work against you. This is especially true in love relationships.
Cycles are Hard to Break
Many couples fall into destructive negative cycles that are hard to break—hard but not impossible. If you focus on your partner’s distance or indifference or perhaps chronic criticism or aggression, that emotional “tunnel vision” might make you lose sight of anything to the contrary. And the more of those negatives you see, the bigger they will appear to you. This is a dangerous negative spiral that makes many couples fall out of love and sometimes, throw in the towel.
But, it doesn’t have to be that way.
You Can Change Your Focus
Indeed, changing this pattern is one of the things couples learn to do at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Cycles of conflict are painful and confusing. They can feel impossible to change. But, Hold Me Tight®️ helps couples see their conflict and their whole relationship in a new light, through a new lens. Couples learn to look through an “attachment lens.” They learn the powerful lessons of attachment science. That attachment lens can help you see your partner in ways you never had before.
See Through an Attachment Lens
Imagine how things might change if you saw your angry or indifferent partner instead as desperately seeking a safe connection with you. Imagine how different things could be if you both learned not only what you truly need in your relationship, but how to get (and give) it safely and securely. These are just some of the lessons Hold Me Tight®️ can teach you and your partner.
Don’t just understand your conflict cycles—change them. Interrupt them and change how you see one another. Hold Me Tight®️ is the place to do it. Couples consistently leave Hold Me Tight®️ workshops saying they know where they want to go and how to get there. They leave with deeper connection and the confidence to maintain it. You and your partner can be one of those couples.
Our next Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is next month. Seating is limited so sign up today. All the details are on this website.
- Learn more about Mark and Vicki
- Sign up for our contact list
- Prepare for a transformational experience
Have a Safety Plan
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)
I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.
Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution
Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .
Vicki and I will start something new in March of 2025. We have been leading in person Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats at least four times a year for six years now. No two are the same; we always see amazing results and we get more than we give every time. And, in addition to our in person workshops, we’ll also begin offering online Hold Me Tight®️ workshops next year. In person and online workshops are definitely different. Each format has its own advantages. So, what’s different about the two and what is the same and which might be best for you? I’m glad you asked.
Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” is one of the most popular and prolific couples self-help books in history. Since its initial release in 1992, through several revisions, it has sold over 20 million copies. That’s one popular book! Perhaps you’ve read it. If not, it’s worth your time. Chapman basically contends that romantic love shows up in five ways. He calls them “languages.” In no particular order, they are: personal touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and giving gifts. The idea is that all of us have a top one or two love languages and that couples can and should know, not only their own love language, but more so, their partner’s. And the more you and your partner speak one another’s language, the more love you’ll both share.
A Hold Me Tight retreat in Orlando is a safe, powerful experience for couples to grow closer together