As my family prepared our Thanksgiving dinner last week, then began decorating for the Christmas season (as we do every year) I thought about the rituals that surround us in life. They are everywhere. Rituals are regular practices that connect us and identify us. They tell us who we are, be it in our family, our faith, our community or our country. Be it a wedding, a funeral, a church service, a holiday parade or a political pep rally, rituals give us common ground. Whether they happen weekly, monthly, annually or on specific special occasions (such as weddings or funerals) rituals give our lives a measure of predictability and structure that we all need. Rituals are not necessary for life, but they are so much a part of us that, if they don't happen as we're accustomed to, something feels off. Think of the first holiday after a loved one passed and they were conspicuously missing. We often say, “It’s just not the same without them here.” Rituals are the routines that give life meaning. Couples have rituals too: weddings, for example, declare a couple’s exclusive bond. An anniversary acknowledges that connection each year and, if you miss it, or forget it (or ignore it), something will probably be off. That can even be a sign of trouble. Couples have other, less formal but equally meaningful rituals as well. Sharing a cup of coffee and talking quietly together before starting your day can be a ritual that grounds you, connects you and leaves you “not quite right” on the days that you don’t do it. A quick prayer together with my wife before she heads into the hospital to start her day as a nurse is a simple but special ritual that feels just ours. What rituals do you and your partner share? John Gottman calls them “rituals of connection.” You probably have more than you think. Another very traditional annual couples ritual is coming up soon. It’s Valentine’s Day. Although Valentine’s Day has become very commercial (it’s the second largest card giving holiday behind Christmas) most couples acknowledge their love in at least some way every February 14. And if they don’t, that probably sends a message too. Even if that Valentine’s Day means little to you, your relationship is priceless. Why not create a new ritual of connection this February 14? Candy gets stale. Cards only say so much. Flowers last maybe a week and die. How about something that will last long after the holiday? How about a Hold Me Tight®️ couples weekend retreat? How about two days with your partner and other couples in a safe, low key setting that can totally retool your relationship? Hold Me Tight®️ has a stellar track record teaching couples the secrets that great couples know. Hold Me Tight®️ is based on groundbreaking attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, a proven method that has helped countless couples the world over. But, Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It’s a safe learning experience where couples go at their own pace and make the progress they are ready and willing to make. In just two days, you can learn to interrupt endless conflict cycles and create a safer connection that can last a lifetime. If you and your partner are struggling, Hold Me Tight®️ can help. And if you are doing well, Hold Me Tight®️ can take you from good to great. My colleague, Vicki Kennedy and I have been leading Hold Me Tight®️ workshops since 2018. We do at least four a year and our next one will actually be ON Valentine’s Day weekend, 2026, in Orlando. It’s only three months away and the time to get in on it is NOW. See all the details and sign up today at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com. Learn more about Mark and Vicki Sign up for hints and helps Prepare for a transformational experience.

I met a young man recently who impressed me deeply. He was in my home doing some repair work. He was capable, courteous and likable, probably would be successful at about anything he undertook. As he worked and we talked, he mentioned having been in Afghanistan. “You’re a veteran?” I asked. “Yes, two tours,” he replied. He seemed to have come home intact, free from those visible and invisible scars of war that so many combat veterans carry. I asked him, “Do you miss it?” I expected him to say how glad he was to be away from the killing and chaos of combat; but he surprised me. “Yes, I miss it,” he said emphatically. “I miss it everyday.” “Why,” I asked, “would you miss the bombs and the bullets and the ever present shadow of death?” His answer was profound but simple. He said, “Because there, I mattered . I mattered to my unit. I mattered to my superiors. I belonged. I was there for them and they were there for me.” And here at home, all that was missing. He’d left it on the battlefield. That young fellow’s powerful insight underlined something deep and universal. We all need to matter to the people who matter to us. Without it, we feel lost and lonely. Back at home, something was missing for that former soldier; I could see it in his eyes; surely many other vets can relate. But that need to matter isn’t just in military service. Indeed, all of us are born with a need for connection: the need to be seen, heard, valued, to belong, to matter. Connection is part of being human. We are born seeking it and needing it and we never outgrow it. As a couples therapist, I know that when intimate relationships struggle and self-destruct, the core issue is strikingly similar to the young vet I met. It’s a sense of disconnection. Often, couples in distress fear that they don’t matter to the one who matters most to them. They feel alone, sometimes rejected, certainly unloved. Often, they come for therapy hoping I’ll help them “communicate” better or teach them to “fight fair.” But the real missing piece is their disconnection and the pain that comes with it. This is what we learn—and learn to change—in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day group experience of learning and doing for couples at any age or stage. We learn about the groundbreaking science of attachment (no “psychobabble” here). Love really does make sense. We’ll learn not only what all couples need and seek; we’ll learn how to break cycles of conflict to help you and your partner know that you matter—deeply. Hold Me Tight®️ is low key. No pressure. No one is put on the spot. Couples go at their own pace. After just two days, you will leave with a roadmap for connection that can last a lifetime. My colleague, Vicki Kennedy and I have been leading Hold Me Tight®️ workshops since 2018. Our next in person event will be on Valentine’s Day weekend, February 13 & 14, 2026 near Orlando, FL. All the details are at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com . Spend two days with your partner and other couples in sunny Florida and make Valentine’s Day really count in the new year. Don’t wait. Sign up today. Space is limited. Learn more about Mark and Vicki . Sign up for hints and helps. Prepare for a transformational experience.

On June 5, 2002, 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped in a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. Her captors, a mentally ill religious zealot and his wife, did not flee to another continent or a foreign country. Instead, they stayed right in Salt Lake City. They actually went out in public. They made Elizabeth wear a headscarf and a veil, but they visited stores, restaurants, the public library and so forth. Ultimately, after 8 months and a relentless nationwide search, authorities found her only 18 miles from where she was abducted. Elizabeth Smart’s abductors hid her in plain sight. Stories like that are more common than we think. It happens a lot that what we most want to find turns out to be right in front of us—hiding…or hidden…in plain sight right under our noses.

I’ve been counseling couples and leading couples workshops for quite a few years now. Without a doubt, from my experience, Hold Me Tight®️ couples workshops are more powerful and bring faster real, lasting change than any other experience couples can share. Vicki and I lead them at least four times a year because we believe in Hold Me Tight®️ and we know what it can do. We’ve seen couples transform in just two short days. Something is especially powerful about being in a group with other couples on the same journey, sometimes feeling equally stuck or overwhelmed, struggling with the same frustrating patterns, emotions, wishes and mistakes. Couples can empathize, encourage and understand one another at Hold Me Tight®️. Realizing that we’re not alone (and not as messed up as we think) is uniquely comforting.

Like over 90% of Americans, I own a smartphone. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. My phone frequently notifies me of a software update. It’s pretty easy to update my phone, and even more important. But, why update the software? I asked Google and here’s what it told me: “Smartphone software updates are crucial for enhancing security by patching vulnerabilities, improving stability by fixing bugs and glitches, and optimizing performance for a smoother experience.” Sounds good to me. All I know is: updates matter. They keep my phone working well. They are as beneficial as they are necessary. But, it occurs to me that not just smartphones need updates. Smart relationships do too.

What makes couples fall in love? Is it looks, sexual chemistry, personality? Is it the car you drive? (Kidding). Attachment science says it’s connection…a safe emotional connection. Connection is the key. By that, we mean that when we feel seen, heard, valued, as if we matter, we feel safe. We feel understood and trusted and cared for; that’s called safe attachment. And we fall in love. On the other hand, when and why do couples fail? What's missing? It’s the same word—connection. Specifically, it’s the lack of it. A thousand things can pull couples apart over time. Stress from jobs, money, children, family demands, depression, addictions, the challenges and changes life throws at us can all put the pressure on. But, problems alone need not destroy a relationship. It’s when we don’t “turn toward” one another to manage those problems. When we distance and disconnect; that’s when we end up alone, even in the same household, living parallel lives. How do we reconnect?

Benjamin Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.” I think he was right. Preventing heart disease, for example (with exercise and a healthy diet) beats cardiac bypass surgery by a mile. An oil change on your car is way better than an engine rebuild. Prevention is easier, faster and cheaper almost every time. It’s true in relationships too. Love is meant to last a lifetime. But a relationship left unattended will eventually wear out—and many do. Repairing it in couples therapy is often expensive, difficult and time consuming. Instead, a little attention along the way can help you avoid those costly repairs.

In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.