Going Deeper

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All Couples Conflict

What do you and your partner argue about? When the sparks fly, what are the hot button issues between you? No two couples are the same, but what and how couples conflict is fairly consistent. Money, sex, religion, in-laws, children, household responsibilities, how to spend leisure time: these are the big seven. Trust and commitment are also often hot topics.

Since I’m a therapist, couples often come to me to work these things out. Sadly, many of them are truly stuck by the time they do; the emotions can run very hot in my office. And it’s tempting to jump in and try to fix things for them. Sometimes, I feel like wearing a striped shirt and whistle like a referee, deciding who’s right and wrong, negotiating, finding solutions for them. If I go there, I often end up working harder than the couple and, for all the effort, it seldom works.

It’s Deeper Than That

Emotionally focused therapy has taught that it’s never really about money or sex or children…. The specific topic is just window dressing. It’s deeper than that. It’s about connection. It’s about attachment and what all humans have in common. Humans are bonding mammals. That is, we need connection. We need the safety and strength that comes from having key others (in relationships, it’s our partner, our spouse) on whom we can depend, who will have our back, support us, show up for us, believe in us. It’s all about a safe emotional connection.

We All Need Connection

We need this from birth. Infants need connection, attachment in order to survive. And we never stop seeking it. As adults, attachment is one way to define love. When we are securely attached, we thrive. But, if we feel unseen, unheard, unimportant, alone, distant, disconnected or worse, rejected, it isn’t just painful; it’s traumatic. Our brain codes it just the way it codes physical pain.

So, the fight only seems to be about money or sex or in-laws or (fill in the blank). It’s about “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I count on you? Do you see me and am I important in your life?” Unless or until the answer to those questions is yes, we struggle. And no amount of negotiation or conversation skills or rules for “fighting fair” will work. We have to get deeper.

And that is what we learn and do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is rooted and grounded in all that we know about attachment science. At Hold Me Tight®️ you and your partner will learn with other couples what is really happening when you get in those same tired, seemingly endless cycles of conflict where, no matter the problem, the pattern is the same. You know one another’s moves like the back of your hand and you seem to end up in the same place every time: disconnected, neither really hearing the other, talking AT one another instead of WITH one another and miles apart when it’s all said and done.

Don’t Give Up

Don’t give up. Hold Me Tight®️ will help you break those cycles. Hold Me Tight®️ will show you how to have conversations, not confrontations. Hold Me Tight®️ will help you restore the safe connection you desperately need.

And the best news is, Hold Me Tight®️ is happening in Orlando THIS WEEKEND. You still have time to sign up and get in on two days that could change your relationship forever. Get all the details on the home page of this website.

Don’t miss out. Sign up today!

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Have a Safety Plan

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025

Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025

If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025

You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)

Help Is Nearby

By Mark Beck • January 17, 2025

I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.

Comfort Isn't Always Comfortable

By Mark Beck • January 10, 2025

Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.

A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great way to ring in the new year

Happy New Year

By Mark Beck • January 2, 2025

A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution

When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024

Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .

In Person Or Online?

By Mark Beck • December 2, 2024

Vicki and I will start something new in March of 2025. We have been leading in person Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats at least four times a year for six years now. No two are the same; we always see amazing results and we get more than we give every time. And, in addition to our in person workshops, we’ll also begin offering online Hold Me Tight®️ workshops next year. In person and online workshops are definitely different. Each format has its own advantages. So, what’s different about the two and what is the same and which might be best for you? I’m glad you asked.

What About Love Languages?

By Mark Beck • November 19, 2024

Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” is one of the most popular and prolific couples self-help books in history. Since its initial release in 1992, through several revisions, it has sold over 20 million copies. That’s one popular book! Perhaps you’ve read it. If not, it’s worth your time. Chapman basically contends that romantic love shows up in five ways. He calls them “languages.” In no particular order, they are: personal touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and giving gifts. The idea is that all of us have a top one or two love languages and that couples can and should know, not only their own love language, but more so, their partner’s. And the more you and your partner speak one another’s language, the more love you’ll both share.